He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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