Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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