i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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