I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So many bounce houses so little time
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
