you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
