do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
