Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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