i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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