i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
