I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
