The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
