i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm at about main and main street
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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