Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
