he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
being pregnant is like rehab
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
