I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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