You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
