I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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