I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
