how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Boobs are out for the taking
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
