Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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