Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
