Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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