Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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