Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
