Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
