I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
