I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
