She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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