My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
