It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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