i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
