i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
