3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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