My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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