we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
