I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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