but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
