Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
