I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
