There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
