Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
