somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
