He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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