Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
