I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
