Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love accidental penises.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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