While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
