dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
