To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
