seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
