Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
