Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
