I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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