i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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