My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
