you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
