good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
